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Colbert Tells Science to ‘Stop Studying Things’ After New Study Claims Processed Foods Harm Us

Stephen Colbert hilariously challenged the science and went on a little rant on The Late Show With Wednesday, after a new study, presented at the Alzheimer’s Association international conference on Monday, reported that eating ultra-processed foods affects our health and dramatically decreases brain function. “Stop, science,” Colbert said directly into the camera. “Just stop studying things. That’s why people turn on you and start eating horse paste! What’s next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans depletes ozone? Just let us have nice things!” Colbert also said the study was “ridiculous” because he eats processed foods all the time and is doing just fine. However, he didn’t like that the study’s research also shared that “just 100 calories of processed foods can affect your physical health. So that’s two cookies.” Colbert joked, “Okay, if eating two cookies hurts my brain, I’m going to eat three more to hurt my brain just enough to forget how bad it was to eat the first two cookies.” Of course, it didn’t stop at cookies. The list of foods we should avoid includes anything that brings fun and joy to our lives – bread, crackers, fried snacks, ice cream, candies and sodas. However, Colbert made a good point when he said, “Here are some facts for you science. If you want us to live long, you have to understand something: we all live just to get to the next cookie. Sometimes we let’s stop eating for weeks to shed a few pounds so we can go on vacation and gain those pounds back eating cookies. The tide is receding so it can come back. In the end, Colbert ended his funny rant by saying basically: I can’t stop I won’t stop.” I won’t stop eating cookies until I die. And if I die because I ate too many cookies, then I win,” Colbert joked.

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