I did it, and I didn’t know why; certainly, it was the stupidest thing I had ever doneI knew this even then, as I went through with the act. I didn’t know why, but I do now. I needed a sin; my father, God, the StateI loved them all, I burned for their touch on my shoulders. I loved them and I needed to create for myself a guilt worthy of them.
I do not think, in fact, that it is so much as you might think, that I was the spoiled child, that I felt unnoticed or unloved. I could say that it was; indeed I have said as much, to myself and I have lied as well to many, even as I played at confession. But I did the thing in private; I made sure no one would ever know, but me; and by that same token I made sure that my sin sat always on my shoulders. I feared most of all absolution.
Josef Cecisțiu, On Banks of Rivers
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